Uncommitted Sex? Just Say No!

I've been struggling to come up with a way to say how I personally feel about the rights and wrongs of sex. What I have finally arrived at is this, as at least Step 1 toward attaining the ideal of thoroughgoing chastity: Just say no to uncommitted sex.

Committed sex is, quite obviously, what is normally associated with a married heterosexual couple. In contradiction of Catholic orthodoxy, I would extend it to all committed couples, straight or gay, whether legally married or not.

Uncommitted sex is every other kind. According to my ethics for sex, extramarital sex is out. Premarital sex, unless the couple is in a committed relationship, is out. Recreational sex: out. Group sex: out. "Friends with privileges" sex: out. Pick-up Friday night sex: out. Pornography: out. Voyeurism: out. Masturbation: out.

That's Step 1. The next step, Step 2, would have to address the tender question of what exactly the couple's commitment entails. Is it a commitment to each other, and nothing more? Or is it a commitment to their existing (if any) and potential children? To their families, friends, and loved ones? To the larger society? To God?

The Catholic Church's answer: all of the above.

The Church forbids the couple — if obedient Catholics — to forestall pregnancy using artificial means such as contraceptive pills and condoms. Step 3 in the search for chastity would have to address this question.

My answer is a tentative one. I've never been married, never had to worry about pregnancy. If I were in that position, though, I think I'd hope my wife and I could agree to try for successful management of fertility via Natural Family Planning.

NFP, according to the Couple to Couple League, involves determining when the woman is fertile and able to become pregnant, and avoiding having sex during that time. Her body temperature and certain other symptoms of her fertile time of the month can be measured as clues to when not to have sex. Also, after a baby is born, breastfeeding can postpone the return of her monthly cycle for several months and thus postpone the possibility of another pregnancy.

Clearly, NFP is based on the couple willingly remaining chaste during her fertile periods.

Step 4? It would seem to be the time when we ask whether commitment demands an actual marriage ceremony. Ideally, I think it does, as long as it's seen as a way to cement the commitment that already exists between the two people.

All this says nothing about how sex is done, when it's done. That would be a matter for Step 5, which would take up the vexed questions of the appropriateness of:

1. Oral sex
2. Anal sex
3. Sado-masochistic sex
4. The use of sex toys
5. Phone sex
6. Internet sex
7. "Sexting"
8. Etc., etc., etc.

Getting back to Step 1, I think it's something we all need to think about. Our culture today tolerates — nay, encourages — sex without commitment. It's thought of as normal and natural, while looking for Mr. or Ms. Right, to have casual sex at the drop of a hat. When Mr. or Ms. Right comes along, though, we find it hard to break the habit. Result: lots of breakups, lots of divorces. Chastity, I think, demands that we choose to break the habit now, before it breaks up a happy relationship. Or, better yet, never acquire it in the first place.